Nung umpisa, aaminin ko, malakas kutob ko na iba lang talaga yung gusto niya kaya niya ko pinipilit maging girlfriend niya. It's because I don't wanna have sex with a guy who is not my boyfriend. So wala siyang choice kundi i-karel ako. Ako naman, I wanted to experience having an interracial relationship. Inisip ko pa nun na I don't want to get too attached, kasi aalis din naman siya. At pag nangyari yun, ako lang mahihirapan.
Pero sa 10 days na pinaghintay ko siya, something in me changed. I learned a lot from him. Hindi lang awesome sex ang napapala ko. Hindi rin masarap at libreng pagkain. Hindi rin party all night every night. I was happy. Just the thought na, puta, he cares for me. Dagdag pa sa pampaganda ng pakiramdam kapag sinasabi ng mga kaibigan niya na first time nila siya makitang masaya kasama ang isang babae. Sino ba namang babae ang hindi kikiligin dun? Parang ikaw nagpabago sakanya. At ako rin, in some way, napabago niya. Madami akong gustong baguhin sa sarili ko dahil sakanya. Kaya, I chose to take him seriously. And I hoped he would take me seriously.
Siya yung tipo ng taong nasa isang relationship kahit di niya mahal ang isang girl. Sapat na sakanya na he likes the girl, therefore he cares for the girl. In return, gusto din niyang maalagaan. And that's what I've been doing. I wake him up, i give him massages, stuff like that. Madalang siyang mag I love you. 'Di niya talaga sinasabi pag hindi niya gusto, okaya hindi niya nararamdamang mahal niya ang isang tao. Kaya tuwang tuwa ako pag sinasabi niya sa akin na mahal niya ako.
Madalas, tahimik lang ako pag kasama ko siya. Madami akong nakikitang rason para mag tampo. Especially when he's drunk. Because when he's drunk, he seems to forget I'm around. He dances with hot girls, and I'm just watching, while his friends repeatedly tell me to "Go get your boy, girl!" When he's drunk, iiwan nalang niya ako basta, sasabihin niya he'll go to the CR, mamaya makikita ko nalang, he's sitting in a table with some other girls, getting their numbers. I can't blame him. He's drunk, he's a guy, and he's a flirt. I never complain. I just keep quiet. Pag nag complain kasi ako, mag aaway lang kami. And that's just a simple thing. Kasi alam ko namang sa 'kin siya uuwi. When he's drunk, he HAS to get what he wants. Or else. And all the hard feelings, I keep to myself nalang. Iwas gulo. Yun lang naman.
Sobra siyang maalaga. Yun ang gusto ko sakanya. At gusto naman niya, binebaby siya. Ako naman, mahilig mang-baby. Kaya perfect match kami. Hindi ko ba alam. Hindi ako makatulog ng wala siya, okaya hindi naaamoy yung pabango niya. Dati, nakakalipas pa nga ang isang araw na di ko siya tinetext eh. But as time passed, I always made an effort to text him. At pag 'di nagreply, sumasama loob ko. Ayan na. Naging needy ako. Sigruo isang factor yun kaya 'di niya kinaya? 'Di ko ba alam.
Sabi niya, there's nothing wrong with me and I didn't do anything wrong daw. And if he wanted to play around, matagal na niya kong i-binreak. MArami lang talaga daw siyang pinagdadaanan. Pero di naman niya dinefine kung ano ba talaga yung rason kung bakit niya ko hiniwalayan. Ang gusto nalang niya, maging best friends kami. He promised he's be the best friend I could ever have. And if we needed anthing, we'd just call each other and everything will be alright. So nandun pa rin yung caring part. Yun nalang ata natitira sa relationship namin. Caring. On my part, I really love him. You might think it's impossible and that I'm stupid. But I don't care. I am stupid when I'm in love. I love being in love even though it hurts. 'Cause that's where you can learn real shit. From getting hurt.
Ano bang sense ng post na 'to? Na-disorye nanaman ako eh. I know I was supposed to say something good out of all these paragraphs. Pero mukhang nawala. Haha.
Next time. I'll rant about him again. :>
